When’s the last time you had a conversation with someone about politics? Religion? Diversity? Been a minute, hasn’t it? It seems that we have moved into an era marked by polarized opinions and conflicting voices, and everything turns into an uncomfortable argument. We’ve lost the art of “agreeing to disagree” on things, and have come to the point where we tend to just avoid the discussions altogether. But is our propensity to ‘skirt the issue’ helping us, or actually harming us in the long run?
I remember one day in college when I was leaving my sociology class where we had a heated discussion on abortion. There was a young man in my class who didn’t agree with my views - he was very religious and the practice went against his beliefs. So he asked me if I would walk with him and explain where I was coming from. I did, we had a wonderful discussion that boiled down to us actually agreeing on a few points, and one point we just couldn’t agree on: choice. It was an educated and friendly discussion, and I really respected him for wanting to learn more about my beliefs. We walked away from that discussion as better friends than before. If that conversation happened today, how do you think it would have gone?
What happened to our curiosity? Why have we stopped wanted to learn and started wanting to WIN at all costs? Over the past several years, and I think well before the pandemic and Trump came into office, society has stopped wanting to learn from one another. It seems like we are too disillusioned, tired, and anxious to commit to having these deep and meaningful conversations with those we disagree with. But with all of the turmoil going on in the world, learning to disagree mindfully has never been more crucial. Our conversations have become battlegrounds where egos clash, pride inflates, and communication often breaks down, leaving relationships frayed and understanding diminished. Yet, amidst these challenges, there lies a profound opportunity to engage with others in a way that is respectful, empathetic, and constructive.
I believe, at the heart of all of this, lies the ego. The ego is our sense of self-importance and identity. It's the voice that whispers (or shouts) our need to be right, to be seen, and to be validated. When our ego feels threatened during a disagreement, it can lead us to react defensively, turning a potentially fruitful conversation into a verbal duel. Pride, closely related to the ego, amplifies this need to defend our viewpoints at all costs, often at the expense of truly listening to and considering the other person's perspective. At the core of our collective being, our psychological (and even physical) safety has been threatened by the events of the past 10 years. Our egos are wired to protect us, and they've been doing it non-stop for too long. Most of us are not in complete control of the ego anymore.
Recognizing when our ego and pride are steering the conversation is the first step towards disagreeing mindfully. It requires a level of self-awareness that allows us to pause and ask ourselves: "Is being right more important than understanding the other person?" This introspection can help us shift from a defensive stance to a more open and curious approach. And speaking of “right” - are you sure that you are? Because I bet the person you are trying to convince also believes they are right.
Listening is the cornerstone of any meaningful conversation, yet it's often the first casualty in a disagreement. Mindful listening involves fully engaging with the other person's words without simultaneously crafting your rebuttal. It means hearing not just the surface content but also the emotions and intentions behind the words. This kind of listening can foster empathy, allowing us to see the world through the other person's eyes, even if we don't agree with their viewpoint.
Empathy softens the edges of our disagreements. It reminds us that behind every opinion is a person with their own set of experiences, fears, and hopes. When we approach disagreements with empathy, we're not just arguing points; we're engaging with people. This human-centered approach can transform disagreements from confrontations into opportunities for connection and growth.
One of the most liberating realizations we can have is that it's okay to have different points of view. In fact, diversity of thought is essential for innovation, creativity, and progress. Agreeing to disagree doesn't mean giving up on our convictions; rather, it acknowledges the complexity of issues and the validity of multiple perspectives.
Accepting that we don't need to all agree to be kind and friendly is a testament to our maturity and respect for others. It allows us to maintain relationships despite differences, focusing on what unites us rather than what divides us. This doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations but rather engaging in them with an openness that prioritizes understanding over persuading.
Navigating Breakdowns in Communication
Despite our best efforts, there will be times when communication breaks down, and tempers flare. When faced with such situations, taking a step back can be incredibly helpful. Sometimes, this means physically removing ourselves from the conversation to cool down and gather our thoughts. Other times, it may involve asking for a pause in the discussion until both parties are ready to proceed calmly.
In these moments, reflecting on our intentions can be enlightening. When going into a conversation that could turn heated, ask yourself if you are seeking to understand, or are you seeking to win? Realigning our intentions towards mutual understanding can guide us back to a more mindful engagement. Additionally, apologizing for any hurt caused, even if unintended, can go a long way in mending the rifts caused by heated disagreements.
It can feel liberating to have some of these conversations about politics, war, religion, diversity - as long as you can do it mindfully. Maybe try practicing with someone close to you that you trust, on a topic that isn’t too heavy. Seek to understand what it is that you don’t agree on, and why that person has the view they do. Go in with the intention of listening. If you get to speak, great. If not, that’s ok because that wasn’t really the point, right? The point is to understand. We don’t need to ‘win’ anything, our ego does. And if we can shut that part of the conversation down before it even starts, we are headed toward a mindful discussion. It is so important to start having these conversations again because we frequently censor ourselves in the name of keeping the peace, but all that really does is create a false sense of camaraderie. Trust and respect break down when you can’t be yourself with your peers.
Disagreeing mindfully is an ongoing practice that challenges us to rise above our immediate reactions and engage with others in a way that is respectful, empathetic, and open. It requires us to be mindful of our ego and pride, to listen deeply, and to embrace the diversity of human experience and opinion. By doing so, we not only enrich our own lives but also contribute to a more compassionate and understanding world.
On the podcast last week, Teresa and I dive deep into this conversation, and even express our own ideas in a respectful and mindful way. Watch here:
As we navigate the complexities of human interaction, let us remember that our differences need not divide us. Instead, they can be a source of strength, growth, and connection. In the end, it's not about agreeing on everything but about how we engage with our disagreements. By choosing mindfulness, empathy, and respect as our guides, we can transform our conversations into bridges rather than barriers. So the next time we find ourselves in a disagreement, instead of trying to persuade, what if we just ask WHY?